Monday, January 24, 2011

Forgotten Promise

The day before I got the results of my thyroid biopsy, I was definitely doing some praying.  I promised God I would definitely go to church - even though I think he hangs out everywhere and in everything - if I just don't have cancer.  And then I silently begged that I wouldn't have to have surgery either.  The doctor was absolutely convinced I was going to need surgery based on the size of the nodules in my neck regardless of my biopsy results.

I got the absolutely best diagnosis and then gave the doctor a piece of my mind for being such a jerk, waiting so long to tell us it was all good and being so dispassionate.  Then I fired him.

Since then, for the most part, the weather has been horrible and I got sick again.  We never made it to church.  But I did pick up The Bible and read a little.  And I have been praying and have been much more calm.

I can't help but wonder if all of these medical issues I seem to be having are from bad genetics, something to do with my diet or exposure to some toxin I can't see, the result of getting old after having a little too much fun in my youth, or just God poking me to let me know to get busy already.

Now solidly on two different cancer alerts where I need to get my parts scanned or probed at regular intervals, you would think I would get it right and live life like tomorrow is not assured.  I am somewhat. I have been writing most days, which I see as my thing.  If nothing else, I want to leave a couple of finished stories for my kids.  I am definitely close.

As I write my next story about a woman that's not me, I find myself writing about this character as a child and seem to be very comfortable with the whiny five year old in her, the little girl in her and the grown woman that rarely feels joy if ever - no, actually, what I have written so far doesn't actually have joy - just momentary comfort.

Maybe momentary comfort is enough and should put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.  I have read over and over that if you look for the positive in life, even in the everyday, ordinary moments, even in the bad times, that you can convince yourself you are happy and that life is wonderful.  But then what would we have to write about?

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