Write Despite

I just want to pop in today to scream out loud that my starting word count this morning is 48,191.  I'll be at 50,000 words by the end of the day or maybe tomorrow...definitely by Friday or Saturday.

At the beginning of the month, I started at 36,000 words.  On January 10th, I decided to participate in Write Despite, a challenge to write at least 20 minutes a day no matter once.  I had three days where I didn't write, but basically I've stayed the course.  It feels good and unforced.  When I woke up this morning, I couldn't wait to sit down to write more.

...Until I remembered I'm at that chapter, the one that puts the dark in my dark novel. 

I'm not sure I'm up for it today.  There have been lots of tears this week.  The little girl that died during the 86 car pile-up in Cincinnati is in my son's grade at his school.  My son said his teacher cried all morning at school yesterday, which made me cry again.  This is the fourth child my daughter has known in the last two years that's died. 

Not to give away my story, but I can't kill a child today. 

Instead, I'm going to focus on editing the beginning.

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Although I'm very chatty with the posts this week, I'm behind on reading other blog posts.  It's either sleep or read - and I was sleepy.

My First Day at Writing Class

I wrote a few weeks ago about having lots of ambitious plans for the next year - in addition to writing - that all fell through when I remembered my husband's job requires a lot of travel.  I clearly have selective memory - I thought that was just him. 

His summer travel got pushed back, and I was able to sign up for a writing class at the last minute.  It's not a normal class where they teach technique, but more of a formalized writing group.  The last time I went, the group was a little dysfunctional. 

Everything about this class depends on the group dynamic.  There's nothing individual about it.  It's all about sharing your work and getting feedback that's useful.  If the energy of the group is low or there's that one person that isn't thrilled to be there, it's just not good.

When I checked in, a person I had previously attended three classes with only a year ago talked to me like I was brand new.  I thought maybe she was just taking her check-in-person role too seriously.  Then she said, "Nice to meet you."   I reminded her I had attended several classes with her.  She said something like, "Oh, huh."  Immediately I had a sinking feeling I had just thrown a big wad of money out the window of a moving car.  Did I mention there's no refunds if the class sucks?

But when the class started and the conversation began, everyone was very positive - even Ms. Nice-To-Meet-You.  In the small group, I got paired with people I had never met.  I was the only one that brought fiction. One had a memoir and another had something that was more of an essay. 

I brought the first chapter of my last novel - the one where I got great reviews from two beta readers and one that was really harsh.  I asked the group for feedback on the specific details that my beta reader found objectionable, and I told them - and meant it - that I was OK if they hated it.  I needed to know if this is the novel I need to put back in the drawer.

As I read, they all started laughing out loud.  It's a dark comedy, and I wasn't sure if that was apparent in the first chapter.  The more I read, the more they laughed.  I read for twelve minutes, and they kept laughing.  Yay!!  *burst of confetti and streamers*

I am so much more confident now that 5 out of 6 readers loved it.  I finally feel like I'm ready to start writing query letters.  I feel like I'm a writer - like I'm going to get my novels published - and that some (not all) readers will laugh out loud while they're reading it.  If that's only a handful of people, the effort was worth it.

I feel like I'm bragging if I share this with anyone else (besides my immediate family).  It's great to know I have a community (you) in which I can share my successes and know that everyone will be cheering with me.

Self-Doubt is Creeping...

Yesterday I was so happy I got to the 50K word threshold.  I wanted to spend the day celebrating. 

Being a mommy, it didn't exactly work out that way.  My big kids went their way with their friends.  My husband came home from work grumbly (he shares my recent insomnia so I get it).  My toddler is in the midst of potty training (yay me) so I spent the afternoon obsessing over whether the little picture on his pull-up had disappeared. 

At some point in the day, my joy faded.  Self-doubt found its way in and took over. 

My husband asked to read the chapters in an attempt to cheer me up.  I had already marked edits on the pages.   He read it and laughed out loud more than once.  But I still didn't trust his reaction.  He said he loved it.  I couldn't help but feel like maybe he was just saying that to try to cheer me up. 

We had Indian carry-out at home (my favorite).  But it didn't seem like a celebration.  The point of my joy had come and gone.  My big kids weren't there and my babes had fallen asleep.  I wasn't excited about it anymore.  I was happy.  I could see it was a milestone.  But I wasn't ecstatically happy about it.

It's OK though.  My character falls into a very dark depression in the next chapter.  Maybe I can transform my current blah feeling into a really awesome chapter. 

By the way, Kid in the Front Row once again wrote a very inspirational blog post today.  He talks about success and what it means to writers and artists vs. normal people.   He is right - success for me is creating that one moment that speaks to people, that touches them.  I think I have done this in my novel.  So today, I write some more.

50K Milestone

Today I did it.  Just now. 

My house is a mess, my husband is mad at me, my kids are not happy, little guy is screeching at his sister in his evil voice, and the grass still isn't cut.  But I am elated.  I made it past 50,000 words on a story I used to think was mostly done at 42,000 words.  My friends and family may not get the significance of that number, but I know you all do. 

For now, I set my novel aside and celebrate, which may only mean going to the Indian restaurant instead of reheating left-overs.  If nothing else, I will relax and let myself feel proud today.

Tomorrow, I will write one more chapter.  And then the next.... 

I only have three or four new chapters to go plus several more chapters to revise before I'm done...done enough to edit the whole thing one more time, maybe more than once. 

Even though there's a lot of work ahead of me, the completion of my novel feels very close today. 

Success...followed immediately by disappointment

I feel very optimistic today, well rested, and ready for my boys to head off to school so I can get busy writing. 

I was exhausted yesterday.  I slept late, took two naps, didn't do any laundry at all (my typical Sunday activity), and watched "Easy A" twice - one of the best teen movies ever.  Warning about "The Kids are All Right" - maybe screen it before you let your teens watch it - lots of unexpected varieties of explicit sexual behavior in this one.  And I didn't like the ending.  Otherwise, it was very good.  I liked how the women didn't wear any trace of makeup and showed all their wrinkles.  I suppose that's what the director thought lesbians look like - tired moms look the same.

On Saturday, I finished my second book.  I wanted to scream it to everyone, I was so excited.  Then I felt a little let down, like it wasn't as exciting as it should be.  My kids were more excited about the festival and my husband wasn't that convincing about how awesome he thought that achievement was. 

So I scream it to you - to anyone out there:  I FINISHED MY SECOND BOOK!  I WROTE IT IN LESS THAN EIGHT WEEKS!  AND I LOVE IT!  I AM SO EXCITED!

No, that still didn't make me feel fantastic about it.  Maybe my next story will be about an unpublished writer who writes novels, feels overwhelmingly happy for a fleeting moment, and then feels let down again, which motivates her to write more....

So today I will write more and will edit what I've already written so I feel happy about it.  On Saturday, I also wrote the first story in a short story collection I want to do next. 

As I think I mentioned previously, I am going to take on a literary technique a week, read some awesome short stories, and try to apply that technique to this new set of short stories.  If anything interesting comes of it, I will post it here....