Wednesday, May 7, 2014
IWSG - May 2014
Incredibly, it's the first Wednesday in May - and time for Insecure Writer's Support Group hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh.
I have some exciting news: I won a writing competition for graduate students in the English department at my university. I got a certificate, some money, and an engraved keychain to remind me of my awesomeness as a writer. My daughter went to the award ceremony with me and heard the amazing comments about the first two chapters of my first historical novel.
Last weekend, I read a different chapter of the same novel to a room full of professors and graduate students at a conference for English studies at my university.
I also did some awesome work writing grant proposals this semester. And I was able to check off my odd-ball bucket list item of reading everything Poe wrote (I read 90% of it and can't read any more, so I'm calling it done).
Now that the semester is over, I've been gripped with insecurity - the hyper-anxious variety that makes me feel physically sick. What if the judges were just being nice? What if I was the only one who submitted an entry? What if the people in the audience were just being nice after I read my work? What if all of my grant proposals are denied and all that work was for nothing?
The worst worry is this: I don't have class until August. Now I have to clean my house! Ugh.
I know I need to just breathe and be rational and not go to that place. If my writing sucked, they wouldn't have said all of those nice words and give me a pretty copy of it nice enough to frame. The people at my reading would have looked embarrassed for me instead of excited for me. And my grant proposals probably will be denied - most are. I will simply keep applying to different funders until they are approved. That's just how that is.
The problem is the voice of worry in my head is the dominant voice. It's a little bit louder and has a lot more emotion than the calm, rational voice that tries to shut down the voice of insecurity.
If all of those people were just being nice and my writing sucks, then the only thing to do is to keep writing to work on making it better, which is exactly what I need to do if it doesn't suck. So today and every day until my classes start back in August, I write.