Friday, May 4, 2012

Thank You

I was raised to be independent at a young age.  I'd like to think that was by design, but it was more likely because my mom couldn't afford a babysitter and was too tired to do laundry.  My sister did a lot for me when I was younger, but when I was older I was on my own - by older, I mean ten.  The things that were important to me I took care of by myself.  It kind of sucked at the time, but it taught me that I always need to depend on myself for things that matter.

Later in my life, when anyone offered help of any kind - personal advice or help with something at work - I took it as an insult.  Did they think I couldn't figure it out on my own? 

Now, at this stage in my life in the place I am now, here alone with you, I sincerely appreciate your kind words and advice this week.  Left to myself, I may have given up.  Here with all of you I won't.  So thank you.

This morning, I opened up a new smallish spiral-bound journal I found on sale at Barnes and Noble last week.  I grabbed a pen, and I wrote.  I don't normally write in journals.  But several of you suggested doing that - switching things up a bit and writing something new. 

I wrote during an extra long Dora the Explorer episode.  At the end of the show, Dora always asks the viewers what was their favorite part of the show followed by several quiet seconds to give small people a chance to scream their answer.  My son turned around and asked me what was my favorite part.  I gave him a blank stare and said, "I don't know." 

I had been completely tuned out while writing a short story, a story I never expected to write today or ever. 

My little guy looked a little disappointed in me, but I did not feel the tiniest twinge of guilt.  It was what I needed, and he wasn't the slightest bit neglected while I found my happy place and he chilled with Dora.

It doesn't matter if I ever get the story published or if anyone reads it.  Writing it made me feel like myself again, like I'm not lost anymore.

So thank you.

19 comments:

  1. Excellent. Journals can be a valuable asset in cracking that nasty writer's block, and a great way to rediscover the wonder of the words in you.

    Keep it up, Tonya. You'll get there.

    Best~~

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    1. What an awesome surprise to hear from you. I literally was just wondering about you yesterday.

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  2. The journal is a great way to conveniently capture your thoughts. Sometimes staring at a blank computer screen is more intimidating. Glad you got your mojo back! Julie

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    1. Thanks, Julie. I usually like to use my laptop because it's more efficient. I think efficiency is definitely not what I need right now. Luckily I bought a whole stack of these cool little journals.

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  3. You've made me want to go and grab a leather journal my husband gave me last month. It was one of those "just because" gifts and it's empty so far. :)

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    1. I have a hard time writing in leather ones - too much pressure to write something good.

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  4. Well, that's pretty damn awesome, Tonja! And a great idea. I'm always cramped for time and it can be hard forcing myself to take the time at the computer needed to meet my wordcount goals. Maybe I need to try the journal method.

    Keep up the great work!

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    1. My problem is I tend to lose things. Like if I take away one of my kids' gadgets, they may never get it back - I always put them somewhere.

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  5. That's awesome. I hope that your writing continues unabated because it obviously makes you happy! *throws confetti for you.

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  6. Good for you, Tonja. I sooooo understand your problem. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because I haven't been able to write other than my blogs since my grandson came to live with me. Not to mention, my EBV has flared up again and I'm dealing with nausea, fatigue, and my lower legs are in pain and I still have to go to work-part-time. But its still not easy.

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    1. We definitely need to keep writing. I'm just going to take my expectations down a notch for the next few weeks.

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  7. What a great thing that you wrote something you never expected to do so. Sometimes reconnecting with ourselves comes about when we do something out of the ordinary - I think we can lose ourselves in the routine and the everyday. I sense a great deal of courage and grit in who you are; and sometimes relying on others to help us on our journey is not giving up; it's letting go.
    'Writing it made me feel like myself again, like I'm not lost anymore'. Courage, grit and resilience - more power to you!!

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    1. I agree that we need support as writers - it's way too solitary a thing to do alone.

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  8. I like to float away to my happy place too... sometimes, when I realise I'm all wired up or nervous it dawns on me that I haven't 'tuned-out' in a while.
    Glad you found your place in time. :)

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