I was raised to be independent at a young age. I'd like to think that was by design, but it was more likely because my mom couldn't afford a babysitter and was too tired to do laundry. My sister did a lot for me when I was younger, but when I was older I was on my own - by older, I mean ten. The things that were important to me I took care of by myself. It kind of sucked at the time, but it taught me that I always need to depend on myself for things that matter.
Later in my life, when anyone offered help of any kind - personal advice or help with something at work - I took it as an insult. Did they think I couldn't figure it out on my own?
Now, at this stage in my life in the place I am now, here alone with you, I sincerely appreciate your kind words and advice this week. Left to myself, I may have given up. Here with all of you I won't. So thank you.
This morning, I opened up a new smallish spiral-bound journal I found on sale at Barnes and Noble last week. I grabbed a pen, and I wrote. I don't normally write in journals. But several of you suggested doing that - switching things up a bit and writing something new.
I wrote during an extra long Dora the Explorer episode. At the end of the show, Dora always asks the viewers what was their favorite part of the show followed by several quiet seconds to give small people a chance to scream their answer. My son turned around and asked me what was my favorite part. I gave him a blank stare and said, "I don't know."
I had been completely tuned out while writing a short story, a story I never expected to write today or ever.
My little guy looked a little disappointed in me, but I did not feel the tiniest twinge of guilt. It was what I needed, and he wasn't the slightest bit neglected while I found my happy place and he chilled with Dora.
It doesn't matter if I ever get the story published or if anyone reads it. Writing it made me feel like myself again, like I'm not lost anymore.
So thank you.