Lately, I've been down. I've been tired. I have been affected too strongly by the negativity of others and have passed that negative attitude on. Today, I am making the decision to be positive. Not before I drink my coffee, but after that. Maybe it has been the interminable rain. The sun is out this morning - it's very cold but there's the sun with no gray clouds overhead reflecting my positive outlook - or maybe it's the opposite and I'm reflecting the sunny day.
I'm going to start my new sunny outlook by doing things I love and things that make me feel good. I am going to write a little every day. Lately I have set my needs aside for my family.
Last night at the pubic reading for my writing class, I decided at the last minute to read a funny piece instead of a one-minute poem. People laughed, and I didn't cry. It was actually fun - and not at all terrifying - to share a funny story. The thing is, I really love the heart-felt touching stories the women in my class share. I'm just a mess when I share mine.
So I think for now, especially in the larger groups, I will share my funny stories, maybe I will write down some of the stories I tell my baby before his nap. I haven't read a book to him in the longest time. He says, "Mommy, read me your story." He wants stories about his older siblings, stories of his sister sleepwalking or his brother's night terrors, the stories of when they were little like him, the story of how they potty trained and how one of them pooped on their dad's neck at a parade, the story of my daughter's first birthday and how she smeared the icing on her face and wouldn't eat a bite of sugary cake. Any story is good for him while they are at school and he is home waiting for them to come home to him.
My mom keeps trying to give me things. She has asked me more than once over the last two weeks what I want - what do I want of hers before she dies? She wants to give it to me now. I keep telling her all I want are the pictures and the stories. I want the stories - the stories of things she remembers - so I can write them down for my kids and their kids. It's the one thing she seems unable to give - she believes she doesn't have the time. You see the irony, right? If she doesn't have time now, she's going to die without ever giving me the one thing I want....
She doesn't see the irony at all. People don't change. Neither do I. I will keep asking and expecting a different answer. Eventually I will get the stories out of her. Then I will work on my dad who looks at me like I'm nuts when I ask and turns the conversation to politics.
Today I will return to writing fiction and will try to write down one story a day about our family. I know it will make me happy - I hope it rubs off on others.