Saturday, April 2, 2011

B is for Birthing Behemoth Babies

One of my babies was behemoth (a huge creature).  My doctor ordered an ultrasound more than a week after his due date, obviously while he was still in my belly.  The ultrasound technician blanched (turned white) and bolted nervously out of the room to get the doctor to take a second look.  My behemoth baby was at least ten pounds for sure and had a rather large head.  My doctor instantly beatified (blessed) the idea of inducing labor right away.  I was very blithe (happy and joyful) about the idea of induction.  I was ready for my baby boy.

The beginning part of the induction was banausic (routine and boring).  I will give you all a break here and bowdlerize (prudishly censor) the gory details of the birth itself.  I can tell you that at one point the doctor kept saying how big my baby's head was, "That head is really big!"  I told him to shut up.  At another point, I decided I was done for the day.  I could not brook (tolerate or put up with) the labor pain any longer and told everyone I was going home.  The doctor said, "Give her more meds!" with a big smile - obviously I was not going anywhere and my baby needed to come out one way or the other. 

During the delivery, I got a little bilious (ill-tempered and cranky) when my now ex-husband bandied (tossed back and forth) stories about dogs with my nurse.  Dog were my husband's bailiwick (area of expertise).  The two of them literally talked over my belly while the doctor tried to lure my behemoth baby out into the world and I screamed.

Everything went well, and my over-sized son was beautiful and perfect. It was amazing that I had a baby so large; I think I should definitely get a prize or something.  The thing is I am only 5 foot 1 and am very short in my torso.  Carrying around this baby was very burdensome, and birthing a 10 pound 1 ounce baby was no boondoggle (valueless activity). 

My bumptious (noisily self-assertive) mother-in-law at the time would not and still will not give me any credit for delivering that large of a baby.  She only says with complete braggadocio (arrogant pretension), "That was nothing!  My son was 11 pounds 6 ounces!  You can't even imagine!"  Yeh, but you are like six foot tall, I think every time she says these words.  A giant should be able to deliver a giant, but I'm no giant. The funny thing is that she was telling a bit of a brummagem (bogus) story - the birth weight of her behemoth baby changes every time....

I offer this post as a benison (blessing) to of all of us that have delivered behemoth babies, especially those of us who are not behemoth ourselves.

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