Friday, January 18, 2013

Why the Universe is Going to get Me


I did it.  I submitted my application to the full MA program in Engish. 

I know it's just four more classes above the certificate program I'm already in.  I know two of those four classes are placeholders for writing a novel for my final project, something I would have done anyway.  The other two classes will be classes needed to teach composition at a community college, something that I know I can do and that I'll thoroughly enjoy.

Logically, it's no big deal.

But when I pressed the submit button, I immediately got chest pains.  Not the heart attack kind, but the anxiety attack kind. 

I reminded myself it's no big thing.  I went through the arguments over and over to remind myself it's not that huge of a step.  I'm not too worried about getting in - I just need two or three recommendations from colleagues, and the director of the program told me to do it as soon as I can.  I know I can do the work; I've overcome larger obstacles for sure.  I can take it one class at a time.  I can take six years if I want.  I can repeatedly take novel writing classes to work on novels I would have written anyway.  Once I can take a couple of classes in one semester and student teach, most of the fee will be waived.  I get to leave the house once a week for four hours!

And yet my heart was beating like I was sprinting. 

So I called my husband and talked it through with him.  He totally understood my issue:  I'm officially on the path to achieving all of my goals, the ones I never thought I'd get close to.  All of them.  Holy crap!

In my experience and his, these moments of joy and optimism are the times the universe puts a target on my back.

Today, in an attempt to build a force field around myself, I will make a list of loftier, more impossible goals.  Maybe I'll start dreaming of actually making money writing - the amount I used to make when I worked in the normal world.  (I hear you all laughing.)

41 comments:

  1. Not laughing, commiserating! Congrats on going for your goals. I faced similar anxiety as I move towards my dreams. You have to get yourself to a place where you believe with all your heart that you deserve to have good things happen and have your dreams come true and nothing bad had to happen to balance it!
    Karen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Karen. I just think the universe has a sense of humor (dark humor) - it's not a matter of whether or not I deserve it. :)

      Delete
  2. Good luck Tonja! You'll do well either way, and knowing you've chased every last dream will stick to your bones for the rest of your days. Way to go!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a really nice thing to say - about it sticking to my bones. Very true. I hope it sticks to my kids too.

      Delete
  3. Congratulations! Do you realize how few people go for one goal, let alone all of them? You CAN do it, Tonja.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Congratulations on submitting your application! I totally understand the panic - right now I'm an English major, but I want to switch to geology. And since I'm already taking all science and math classes, it should just be a small issue of heading toward the main office and filling out a couple sheets. But I'm hesitating, because I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to get out of the comfort of being an English major. But you've taken that huge step, so good for you! And good luck on all your other goals as well, I'm sure you'll achieve them with flying colors. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly how I felt as an undergraduate - the comfortable feeling - like being wrapped in a warm quilt. If you feel that way, maybe you should stick with it or at least keep it as a minor.

      Delete
  5. My money's on you, Tonja! Go get'em!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your husband is correct. The scariest part of this for you is being on track to achieve all your goals - and knowing it is now up to you. My husband has had this same conversation with me several times since my last book deal.

    A big opportunity is also a big responsibility and super scary.

    But you can do it!
    Maybe I can, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can too - actually, I think maybe you already did. :))

      Delete
  7. Achieving your goals will be a great reason to be proud. Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Not laughing! I love it and great idea. I just said this to somebody...what is your next step when all your dreams are coming true. I need to GO BIG as well. Congratulations!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm never really happy with myself or what I've done. It's a strange and uncomfortable feeling. But kind of nice. I'm wondering if I'll feel as comfortable after my same class tomorrow.

      Delete
  9. Good luck! It's always a mix of anxiety and excitement to start a new adventure. You can do it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had my first class this morning. I think it will be challenging but fun.

      Delete
  10. That's not laughter. It's cheering. Go get 'em!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Congrats Tonja! It's amazing and I love hearing that you'll be getting all your dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's an awesome feeling, isn't it? Good luck! We all know you can do it. And you WILL make money with your writing someday. You just have to believe it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure I'm make some sort of money. I think it's unrealistic to plan on making big money. But that can be a dream.

      Delete
  13. Just be sure to take a couple bottles of wine into your force field bubble with you. And an opener. Don;t want to be secluded without the opener!

    ReplyDelete
  14. You can do it, Tonja! We're all rooting for you.

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

    ReplyDelete
  15. You can do it -- and you will be amazing! Best of luck! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. :) I had my first class today...and I'm not nervous anymore.

      Delete
  16. No one is laughing over here. I'm cheering for you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You'll do it. Just live in the here and the now, and breathe! :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOL. I pretty much did the same thing when I went for a pitching session with an agent. Got the sweats, couldn't remember a thing, and couldn't even read off my prepared backup notes without stuttering! My sympathies.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think it is so wonderful!

    So exciting...I am so envious and wow you have to be over the moon, but I understand the anxiety. Still keep writing down those goals and keep achieving them.

    I'm so glad I stopped by via the healthy writers club. GO FOR IT!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I can relate because I once had a job in the real world too. Good luck to you and make lots of money!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. That's a pretty serious step and I think it's great if you can afford to do it. At least you should be getting some high quality critiques or at least one would hope.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
  22. That is so totally awesome!! You can sooo do this, Tonja!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. you need to go get one of those "easy" buttons from office max, then just start hitting it anytime the instructor speaks!! good luck girl

    ReplyDelete
  24. :) Congratulations on taking steps to achieve your goals and on the small successes that come along the way! Stay positive! When you're doing everything you can to achieve what you want, sometimes the universe simply says 'Okay!'

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is so exciting! Congratulations for hitting the submit button and taking that step. I know I would have had a total anxiety attack too so I admire you for going through with it. I know you will get in and be a big success in the program. Kudos to you! :)

    ReplyDelete