Friday, January 18, 2013
Why the Universe is Going to get Me
I did it. I submitted my application to the full MA program in Engish.
I know it's just four more classes above the certificate program I'm already in. I know two of those four classes are placeholders for writing a novel for my final project, something I would have done anyway. The other two classes will be classes needed to teach composition at a community college, something that I know I can do and that I'll thoroughly enjoy.
Logically, it's no big deal.
But when I pressed the submit button, I immediately got chest pains. Not the heart attack kind, but the anxiety attack kind.
I reminded myself it's no big thing. I went through the arguments over and over to remind myself it's not that huge of a step. I'm not too worried about getting in - I just need two or three recommendations from colleagues, and the director of the program told me to do it as soon as I can. I know I can do the work; I've overcome larger obstacles for sure. I can take it one class at a time. I can take six years if I want. I can repeatedly take novel writing classes to work on novels I would have written anyway. Once I can take a couple of classes in one semester and student teach, most of the fee will be waived. I get to leave the house once a week for four hours!
And yet my heart was beating like I was sprinting.
So I called my husband and talked it through with him. He totally understood my issue: I'm officially on the path to achieving all of my goals, the ones I never thought I'd get close to. All of them. Holy crap!
In my experience and his, these moments of joy and optimism are the times the universe puts a target on my back.
Today, in an attempt to build a force field around myself, I will make a list of loftier, more impossible goals. Maybe I'll start dreaming of actually making money writing - the amount I used to make when I worked in the normal world. (I hear you all laughing.)