Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Needing Alice

There's always something that seems to be getting between me and writing a word on the page.

I've been sick since Sunday.  Super sick.  I opened my mouth to say something to my daughter two nights ago, and only a squeak came out of my mouth. 

Since I literally couldn't call my doctor, I did what Carol Brady did and got into bed with a sad expression on my face.  I wished I had Alice to bring me a cup of tea, which made me wonder the thing I imagine we've all wondered - why in the world did the Brady's have a housekeeper?  And how did they afford 6 kids, a dog, and a servant?  Why couldn't the older kids clean up after themselves or make their own lunch?  And what the hell did Carol Brady do all day except talk to Alice while Alice cooked and cleaned?  I don't even recall an episode where she met with friends.

A better story would have been Mrs. Brady's gradual mental breakdown from a complete lack of purpose and an overwhelming feeling that her husband thinks she's completely inept. 

Imagine a scene where she wants to cook a meal or work in the garden or rearrange some furniture - something, anything - but no one will let her.  That's Alice's job.  By the end of the show, she screams, "I'm in prison!  Get me out of this hell!!" or something equally melodramatic while Mr. Brady hands her a glass of wine and encourages her to sit down on the couch and read a women's magazine.  The kids sing a happy song about sunshine to cheer her up.

Another episode:  Mrs. Brady decides to get a job.  All of the characters tell her she doesn't need to do that - Mr. Brady makes all the money they could possibly need, so much money that they can afford a servant.  She should stop being silly and just relax.  The episode ends with her in a fetal position on the couch while the kids sing her a sunshiney song.

Instead of The Brady Bunch, it could be named A Sunshine Day.  And every episode ends in the song with the mother on the couch staring at a white wall and rocking back and forth.

But I guess that doesn't lend itself to a laugh track. 

Yes, I am very bored.  I've spent my time this week watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order Criminal Intent.  I didn't think they made that many episodes.  I did read The Crucible, so my time in bed wasn't a total loss.

16 comments:

  1. You could write a stand-up comedy routine based on this post, Tonja. Sorry you're not feeling well, but this is hilarious
    Karen

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  2. There was a parody sketch on "Robot Chicken" where Mr. and Mrs. Brady were assassins like that "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" movie that broke up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, when Mr. Brady expresses his disbelief that his wife is an assassin, Mrs. Brady says, "Why else do you think I needed a housekeeper?" So there you go, maybe Mrs. Brady was off murdering people for money or something equally nefarious.

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  3. I second Karen's suggestion!
    Sorry you've been sick.

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  4. What a useless sitcom showing an idealized happy family. . . but that's tv. Escapism, even when it's at the LCD level. Without the servant, some of the laughs wouldn't have been possible.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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  5. I third Karen's suggestion! I do hope you feel better soon, too!

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  6. Get well soon!! And yes, I want an Alice too except I'm worried that would make me too much like Carol Brady minus four of her kids.

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  7. What DID she do all day? If you're bored, write down your Brady parody for a short story. And feel better. :)

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  8. Since becoming an adult, I always wondered what Carol did all day, too. ?? I recall her reading a lot and sitting on the couch.

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  9. Hmm. I think I read the Crucible and wouldn't think of that to pass the time. I did read it once long ago.

    Carol was busy fixing that flip in her hairdo just right and shopping for polyester pantsuits.

    Hope you are better soon.

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  10. Hope you feel better soon. I never really watched The Brady Bunch, but you raise some good questions. How did she stay sane?

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  11. I hope you feel better soon. I never really thought about why the Brady's had Alice, other than she was a super cool character. Good point! I like your ideas too :)

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  12. I love your take on the Brady Bunch. You are so right. What the heck did Carol do all day? You could write a hilarious SNL sketch on that topic.

    I feel as if everything is getting in the way between me and writing, too. I have a project to work on -- something due December 1. And every time I think I have carved space out of my day to work on it, something interferes. Ugh.

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  13. Everyone, thanks for all the great comments. My husband said I should call to get a doctor's appointment if I'm not feeling better today. But my voice isn't working. And I'm too tired. They really should have doctor appointments via skype.

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  14. Mr. Brady was a highly paid architect living in a house that probably cost 30,000 is all. The Brady house was a P.O.S.

    I hope you feel better soon. Squeaky is icky. And by wishing for a maid, I agree with you. Thing is...that's the 1%. Who doesn't long to be a part of the 1%?

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  15. Oh, my gosh. I love this post SO MUCH. I never thought about it before, but you are totally right. I can understand the housekeeper if they had six young kids who needed a lot of nose-wiping (not to mention wiping of other parts) but, yes, the older kids could seriously help out. Mr. Brady must have had one heck of a good job to afford all of that.

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