Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a neurosurgeon. The other doctors that referred me there don't think I will need surgery and believe he will be able to fix the problem with my foot. The potential to get better is exciting, but my experience so far has been that the immediate effect of anyone touching my foot or attempting to treat it is excruciating pain.
So, I'm a little nervous....
What's worse is this is sort of the end of the line for me. This is the last specialist called in to try to fix my foot. I think there's no one left. So if he can't fix it, this is it. The thought of that is a little overwhelming.
I have hope, but everyone else I've put my hope in so far has not been able to come through. Not because they weren't good doctors - just nothing they did worked. I think there's a fairly good possibility tomorrow will be the same. My anxiety about the inevitable pain I will endure tomorrow and over the next week is compounded by my fear that it may not help anyway.
Two doctors have told me the neurosurgeon may do an injection or two that will magically fix everything. I don't believe in medical magic.
I still remember the injections in my foot that felt like ice cold liquid lightning squeezed in slow once and then again - two needles way too long to be inserted into the top of my foot were pushed deep into the skin, into the part that isn't even fleshy. Within minutes, my toe got numb, and then my foot. Soon the numbness climbed up my leg to my knee where it got comfortable and stayed for two days.
I am terrified of the reaction I will have if they do a similar injection in my back. And more afraid to not let them try.
I told all of this to my husband last night. I expected him to be particularly kind and thoughtful today. I hoped he would talk to me and keep my mind off of it. Instead, he's been grumpy and has driven me nuts all day. I think he's nervous too - but he won't admit it. I'm kind of glad he hasn't talked to me about it. I don't want to hear him validate my fears.
I don't want tomorrow to come. I do and I don't. I want my foot to be fixed, but I don't want them to randomly try different treatments on me just to see if something will work - and be wrong again.
God, please let them just send me to physical therapy. (And please let that work without hurting too much.)